Kansan Article #1: The Snootiness Of Apple

First in a series of my three articles published in the University Daily Kansan:

If people from the 1950s saw a picture of a modern-day crowd, they would wonder why so many people had pieces of white spaghetti hanging out of their ears. If a modern-day person told them that it was a device for listening to days of music made by a company named after a fruit, the people would most likely think the modern person was insane. Apple has infiltrated our society with the Mac, the iPod, and now even the iPhone. Apple also has a reputation for being the snooty members of the technology world, with its iPod-only music format and its fancy Apple-exclusive stores. When all other big companies like Microsoft, Sony, and Panasonic unveil new electronic gadgets at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, Apple has Macworld in San Francisco, its own conference for all things Apple, and incidentally held at the same exact time.

Since Apple has gone from computers to music to phones, and since it has quite the ego, it’s only a matter of time before the company starts branching out. Here are some products to expect in the next few years.

The iPillow! It comes in six different colors, all bearing the Apple logo in the center. It also, of course, works with your iPod so you can listen to music as you sleep. It will also work with your iPhone, so you don’t have to even move to be awakened by the phone. Since it is an Apple product, and since Apple is notorious for having its products only work with other Apple products, it won’t work with Microsoft-related positions like sleeping on your back or stomach. You will have to sleep in the Apple-copyrighted/protected position on your side. One night’s sleep will only cost 99 cents.

Next up is the iLaundrybasket. It has the standard sleek white and silver finish, with the Apple logo on the bottom, of course. The regular version will hold about 700 socks, but if you buy the bigger version, it can hold up to 10,000 socks. It also works with your iPod and iPhone, of course, so you can listen to music and take phone calls as you are carrying your laundry. It will not be compatible with any clothes bought at Wal-Mart, Target, any thrift stores, or Old Navy, however. After all, it is an Apple product. It has to look good.

The iBookbag is next. The six different colors are standard, of course. The standard version will hold about 1000 books, and the expanded version will hold up to 20000. But the bag will only carry Apple-endorsed books designed on Apple computers and written by iPod or iPhone-owning professors and professionals. The bag will come with wireless headphones (white, of course) and a microphone, so you can talk to people on the iPhone discreetly while looking like a crazy person to the rest of the world. But of course, since it’s Apple, it would be cool. Not crazy.

On the smaller end of the scale is the amazing iPencil. The pencil will only come in the classic white and silver finish and will have a writing life of up to one month for consistent users. The iPencil will only write on the also up-and-coming iPaper (available only at Apple stores) which will only cost 99 cents per sheet.

These products might be a little hard to find in stores. If Apple wants to continue its amazing sales, it will probably have to end up embracing the other members of the technology world. They will have to go to the same conferences (gasp!) and even make their products compatible with other brands of electronics. In fact, Apple’s computers now run Microsoft Office software, so it is only a matter of time before Apple has to come down from its pedestal to mingle with the commoners in the other aspects of the technology world. The only problem is that Apple is far too snooty to mingle unless money is on the line.